my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
