got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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