i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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