Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
