Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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