I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
