I've blown a few things in my day
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
