Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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