Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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