Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
