____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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