You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
