Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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