Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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