I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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