i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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