Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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