So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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