Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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