I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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