I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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