is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
