Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
