she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
