I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Four minutes until I can fart!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i think my cat just said my name.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
