I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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