Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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