you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
