Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
