Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
