I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Randomize
