This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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