I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
