You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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