Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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