Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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