we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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