If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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