i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
