Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
