The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
