EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My cat gives me a boner
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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