Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
