I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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