The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
