i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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