It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
