dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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