this boner is exhausting
my being single is dangerous.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
