you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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