I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
