Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
