I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
