I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
